My heart is extremely heavy today. I was planning to have my sister over for pizza & a movie. I found out today she is not allowed to see me. We haven’t seen each other in over 6 months. She is mentally challenged and doesn’t understand why her sister can’t see or talk to her.
In November of last year, while I was in the hospital, my father delivered a restraining order against me. I was not allowed to contact my family for a set time. He wrote up a page describing my alleged verbal abuse, which in reality, was simply me fighting back n putting an end to his life-long mental, verbal and emotional abuse against me. No way around that. This simply is the case.
As suspected, I scared the shit out of him when I finally got sober n developed my own voice to speak up for myself. He can’t handle what he dishes out. The one-page letter was sickening. He does not know me and the pain we endured all our lives.
For my entire life, I blamed myself. My entire life. I chose to see it from his perspective n minimized it all. Until I woke up. I am the way I am today for a reason. Point blank. I can’t stomach it anymore. I’m merely a shell of what I could have been. Sure, I’m a good person most days. I care. Too much at times.
I haven’t been able to part ways n gain closure from the last 4 deaths in my family, including my Grandmother and my sister’s best friend who was also dear to me. Now, I am not allowed to see my living relatives. No one knows the real me because they only hear the drama from my manic runs.
I don’t know. I can barely write I’m so upset. I feel resentful. And I feel like never talking to anyone ever again because no one even knows me. They just run on fear. 37 years n you don’t know the kind-hearted soul I am? 37 years and you don’t see my potential?
It’s just evidence to me that people only choose to see in others what they see in themselves. I’m a mirror and I’m broken. If I don’t get a grip on this soon, I know how it will turn out. I will shy away from myself and others for the rest of my life in fear that I won’t be understood n in fear that I’ll just break further.
I want to heal. I want to love. I want to be loved. But I feel like it’s getting harder as time goes on and as more people step in and try to control my life, projecting fear on my already bruised and battered heart.
Way to shove a wedge right through an already shattered family. Way to go. The whole point of this blog was to shed light on an already widely misunderstood state of existence. I tried to bring more understanding to my family through this but in the end, it’s just torn me to shreds…into an alienated member of a very sick family. I thought delving into my madness to better understand it myself would help. I had a lot of good things to say, but it fell in deaf ears. And still to this day, my family asks why things happened the way they did with certain members we cared for deeply. At least I tried.
I can do no more.