Okay, so I’ve had a change of heart for my IOP. I really need to practice a lot of humility through this and remind myself that they are indeed the professionals. I may have been an expert at drinking in the past, but I am no expert in recovery. If I had it down, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m giving this all I have and I’m thankful I am here today. Therapy went well and I have group in a while.
I wound up drinking yesterday for a whole host of reasons. Really, does an alcoholic even need reasons? The night before, I wound up drinking way too much coffee and stayed up the entire night. I felt hungover in the morning and ended up drinking more coffee just to get me by. Big mistake. Hours later, I was in bed crying and then hysterically laughing. It bordered on deranged and I really cannot recall a time I’ve ever felt that jittery. Definitely a bipolar moment and it wasn’t pretty. I cried myself to sleep n woke up an hour later, craving a drink to bring me down because one hour of sleep didn’t do anything for my caffeine overdose.
So, off I went. I felt sick to my stomach after one beer, but as usual, I accidentally had 3 more. I’m not sitting here today besting myself over the head with shame and guilt. This is a process and I’m granting myself some forgiveness, because it is no where near as easy this time around. I’m in a small bustling town, I’m off on my own, I don’t have a car yet and I’m recovering from one hell of a year. So, that being said, I’m going to expect cravinga and a slip up here and there. In the past, I’ve been my own worst critic, and I’m really going to fight that this year and cut me some slack. Yes, recovery is a serious undertaking nd if you are going through it, hats off to you. It ain’t for sissies.
It’s a new day. And I’m at treatment. That was the goal this week – just get there and be present. So far, I’ve done a good job. Mission accomplished for this week.