I need a good dose of the stars & moon tonight. I used to sit outside on my parents’ porch until midnight, either dancing to music or sitting silently in peace. God, do I ever need that now. There’s something about looking into the vastness of the Universe that makes your problems small in comparison.
I need a good cry and a big vent.
I fell into a funk and I’m angry.
Angry at people who think they know what’s best for me. Angry at people who can’t dismiss a simple, honest mistake. Oh honey, you haven’t seen anything yet. Angry at people who preach mindfulness, yet make me feel like being content and happy isn’t enough and continue to encourage me to strive toward their illuson of perfection. I just recovered from a 6-month long depression after a severe manic break. If contentment is all I have, then so be it! Angry at those that don’t communicate and assume the worst…leaving me totally misunderstood. Again. Fuck! I’m so pissed.
I had a good afternoon, it just turned ugly once I got in my head and recalled recent encounters with people.
Most recent was yesterday where I ran into a guy I haven’t seen in months. He doesn’t know me well at all, but continued to push me into this “we” status. Plus, his interests were sexual and it was fairly obvious. He pushed too hard and I bit back months ago. We saw each other last night and he talked about “us” again and whisking me away to the shore…no strings attached, or so he says. Oh, fuck off. I wasn’t born yesterday. So I called him the wrong name by accident, because again….I don’t know him well. He flipped and walked out. I’m sorry, but if you can’t handle one little slip up, then how the fuck could you handle me as a whole?! What makes me want to date an overly sensitive prick who boils over something so insignificant? Fuck off. For good. No. No. And, NO.
Then as it always happpens, recalling one bad encounter brings on floods of other encounters that piss me off.
I told my case manager that I created a portfolio site so I could start a job search for graphics. I mean, it’s not really where I want it, but it’s a damn good step in the right direction. You’d think that’d be enough. Hell, just being happy should be enough.
Nope. I was in a good mood when I saw him, so I went along with his enthusiastic suggestions. She’s looking for a job. I know! Let’s work on getting a fucking job so she can get a fucking job!!! So, now on Monday, I am going to two places to apply for part time work…so I can get a job to…get a job. I get it. I’m more in demand and desirable if I am working. But, this is just pushing it. I haven’t worked in 3.5 years and now you want me to work two jobs? While in recovery. On top of that, the part time work is a completely different dynamic than what I know and feel comfortable with. I don’t need to be overwhelmed so soon. Let me focus on what the fuck I’m good at and please allow me to bask in the glory that I actually am working on a career move, here.
I’m just so burned by this notion that I have to live up to other’s ideas of perfection when I went through fucking hell last year and I’m recovering. I’ve been here 7 months. Relax. I know people who have been in this program or years on end. Re-fucking-lax.
I’m afraid to tell him about the proposed new business venture with my ex. It just comes down to this: they don’t understand what I’m capable of. They only know the broken me. They have no idea.
I’m not even getting into the humiliation I suffered just this week alone. Enough for a year. oh god, I’ve had enough. sooooooo enough.
After this week, I just wonder what the fucking point is to even open my goddamn mouth and express myself to anyone. I’m so very done.
I am not perfect, please…give me a flippin’ break. God, I need a weekend in the country with absolutely no one. No one. Just the sunset, stars, moon, good music and an amazing cup of coffee. *sigh*
Oh nature, how I miss you!!!