It’s days like today that I regret not fixing my transmission. God, I want to drive so bad it hurts. It is, hands down, my favorite thing to do in this world.
If I had my car, I’d drive and never stop until I reached my Uncle’s cabin. It’s exactly where I need to be right now, writing in the reading nook that’s nestled amongst the trees, on the shore of Ten Mile Lake. I need to be painting the lake for my Uncle and framing it in birch to hang in the sunroom.
I have been stuck for too long.
I want to nestle in, hunker down, saddle up and just hibernate for the winter with the bears, the deer, the Eagles, raccoons and loons. Roaring fire, snow falling, frozen lakes, northern lights, cards, coffee and music. Just me in the cold nestled between family history and the bare naked truth. Simplicity at its best.
I’d stay until 2016 is long and gone.
I’ve met a few great folks this year and rekindled tried and true friendships and let many go. I’ve accomplished quite a bit and I have a great team seeing me through recovery from the worst year of my life.
But one year isn’t going to define me or what I’m capable of. One year doesn’t discount who I really am. Mistakes won’t make me and things beyond my control will not break me.
I desparately want to move on and I mean it when I say, I don’t want to remember anything about this year, despite the good. And, that’s a first for me to say that. I usually turn the negative around. But I really am exhausted. And I just don’t have it in me. I’m still working on the last three to four years.
If I had my car, my mind and me would be so far gone … yesterday.
If I go home for Christmas, I may never return. I’ll stay until Summer so I can feed the Hummingbirds off the deck, hear the loons echo their eerie calls and invite chipmunks in to play through the house, like we used to. I’ll dive in the lake and swim until I’m sore. I’ll fish through the days and wander the woods at night. I’ll gather wood and stone and see what my art is really made of. I’ll gather stories and write til my heart bleeds in silence and I have nothing left to say.
God, I just want my words to run dry and I want to be left speechless with one thing running through my mind – peace.