On a days like today, where anger and rage brew deep inside from places I thought were long snuffed-out, I am reminded to breathe deep over and over again. It is a terrible curse and a blessing to feel things so deeply. It is difficult to compose oneself long enough to compose something of substance. Something that resonates. Something that clicks. Something that burns. Something that springs forth empathy, passion and most importantly, action.
It is a terrible curse, however, to feel the searing agony of having to snuff-out this deep pain and resentment to make a potent and lucid statement about things which many have told me to simply “Get Over” or in response to, have ask the dreaded question, “Are you taking your Meds?”
Yet, I don’t see these world-wide campaigns being started and thriving by simply “Getting Over It” or taking their “Meds.” Oh hell no, in fact, quite the oppisite. But many wouldn’t know because quite frankly, it is like talking to brick wall sometimes or listening to my own words just trail off into bubbles reaching the surface as I drown in some forgotten frozen lake in the wilderness out beyond. Yes, that’s what it can feel like.
Every week I am reminded of how incompetent I am, lazy I am, disabled I am, and how tirelessly I am plugged into this rotten, flawed system. Every week. And, you guessed it, I am reminded by the system itself.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I am fully competent, sometimes extraordinarily so, in my own creative ways. I am not lazy. I work tirelessly to the point of breakdowns to work for a hidden cause. Every single fucking day. Every day. Whether that is through art, writing, spoken word, therapy with friends, laughing, being in the now, enjoying life etc. I am very aware and conscious at all times. I cannot say so much for those who claim to be my saving grace.
Again, there is no money in the cure.
Literally, folks. I had a bad day. Sue me. This was where it started. I opened up to a care member, and it all became about meds and a sudden crisis. Last time I checked, I was human. This is sick. And has to stop. I have a right to be off some days, even if I take some meds.
I am not a robot.