You are going to learn to respect me one way or another.
I wake up from nightmares of animals attacking me, panicked because I know there will be something new that I’m doing wrong, or being accused of.
I had a terrible week and you simply made it that much worse.
Nothing has changed. Nothing ever will.
You attack me every single day.
We are not brilliant but I was willing to work through it.
This is my life and I deserve to live it happily, freely and peacefully. It is my choice who I add or subtract from my life so that it is most fulfilling to me and those I love. It is my choice who I let into my circle. All I ever wanted was to live a life I enjoy. I try very hard and consciously focus on the positive most days. And I extend that grace to people as well. I feel that the way you come at me with your irrational fears and control tactics and guilt trips is in direct contrast to what I’m trying to accomplish in my life.
When I say I am regressing, or I’m being weighed down, I simply mean that the negative you see in me or fear in me far outweighs my true being and potential. It isn’t fair. I’ve come to far to let you trample that now.
You seriosuly need to wake up. It is not fair to either you or myself to assume that it is possible for you to be everyone at once for me. I will search out those who support me, inspire me, drive me, calm me, etc…anytime I choose. I cannot be that one person for your either. And there isn’t a Goddamn thing wrong with that. I have many sides. Spiritual, emotional, sexual, mental, intellectual…etc. So do you.
Just because I turn to so and so for humor, or so and so for inspiration and intellectual stimulation, or others for outlets and fun…God forbid I have fun….it doesn’t mean I love you any less. At all. I need balance. And it’s 100% healthy and essential.
I tried opening up to you about my spiritual side. And honey, it’s a big deal to me. You turn me down everytime. It is literally the key aspect of my life that drives me forward. I feel disrespected, unheard and brushed off. I opened up to you about the law of attraction and it’s simplest definition. ..showing you how I focus on the bigger picture and positive outcomes. And you 100% closed me off. Literally, put your hand in the air and told me it’s bullshit.
That hurt like a bitch because ya know what…that is me…90% of the time. You denying me a voice to share this with you is telling me that you are, in essence, denying me. That night, I stopped opening up to you about that side of me, until I wrote you that letter UNCONDITIONALLY. It killed me to write it. I meant every word and I still do. You barely blinked at it and simple said you didn’t understand it.
To me that says you don’t think my words or heart is worth trying to understand.
I do not operate in a world of jealousy, rage and destruction anymore. I just don’t. And to assume I do, to assume I’m this negative and vindictive human being, is beyond me. It is not true. It just flat-out isn’t. It is however, a very strong and obvious projection of who you are allowing yourself to become.
And it’s just not cool anymore. It’s really just sickening.
I tried so hard to focus on everything wonderful about you. But I don’t even get a chance to tell you because immediately following my words, will come some sort of backlash or accusation from you about me. After a very short period of time, one learns not to even try. Soon, silence reigns, hearts get swallowed and resentment builds. And I needn’t tell you how that feels. You know very well how that feels.
It’s toxic. Absolutely toxic.
I just can’t do it anymore. I’m absolutely exhausted and drained emotionally. I deserve to thrive and so do you. Here we are 5-6 months later, still having the same arguement. It’s simply a waste of our time and our hearts.
I am older now, wiser, stronger. I do not have time to waste on petty shit anymore. You have taken the wheel in this relationship and you’re crashing into every dog that barks. And we’re getting nowhere.
You deserve to thrive after all you have been through. I’m really not as dumb as I look. Like, I do kinda know what I’m talking about. We don’t have time to waste arguing about bullshit scenarios that are made up in our heads.
There is so much more to life than this. So much more. I want to experience it. I have every right to and so do you. We are not enemies. We were partners and quite frankly I do believe 100% that if we could get our shit together, we’d make a kickass team. But we focus on shit that doesn’t even matter. Like you and I could literally knock the fucking socks off of mental health awareness, stigma, etc. Socks off. I mean, well, that’s my goal due to the heartache we have both faced. But instead, we’re sitting here day after day, harping on what if’s, past mistakes and bullshit scenarios based in fear and control issues…instead of moving forward, making a difference in this god forsaken system and world and in the midst of it all…just being happy!!!
But I fear, and rightly so, that this letter will go unheard. It will simply be brushed off or treated as an attack and it isn’t meant to be that. I am expressing how I feel the best way I know how. I cannot do it much longer if I am consistently written off as unimportant or that I’m wrong in the way I feel.
I thought we broke through many barriers that night you came over. But here we are again playing the same old tune … just scratching the surface of what is truly going on.
I need levity, freedom, laughter, smiles, snorts, fun, expression, understanding, calm, peace, nature, inspiration, drive, and stability.
I assure you, waking up from nightmares every 3 hours in a panick because I know you truly are mad at this idea of me that you have in your head, is no way to live.
I refuse. I am worth more than this. So are you.