Trains of Thought – Chasing Euphoria.

Chasing Euphoria – Excerpt | 6•15

Have you ever tried to catch up to a really good dream? One that’s written before you like the proverbial carrot on a stick? Literally? Chasing after one is like doing a backflip in the mind though, so beware. You end up right back where you started and in most cases, a few stumbles backwards. It’s like a wave turning over and swallowing itself whole as it crashes ashore…disappearing into the widespread ocean from which it came, coming so very close to materializing into something greater than itself on land but never quite making it. It’s as if you run so fast after it that you get ahead of yourself and some unseen force pulls you back into reality and then into a place where life doesn’t even exist anymore because everything disappears and the whole world stands still..silence. You’re alone with only a memory and taste of something you saw so clear, something you could devour. So close.

That is what it’s like chasing after euphoria. A state that never seems to tip over the edge…just close enough to grasp for a split second with your finger tips and long enough to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it exists. I guess that has to be good enough for now until someone can find a way to break through the barrier into a sustained state of existence. I think in some ways, we are all chasing this elusive state of being.

During our manic quests for Euphoria, I suppose one of the hallmark symptoms of Bipolar Disorder or a Spiritual Emergency, especially manifested during ‘psychosis’, is a little known thing, but widely experienced phenomena by many on the outside looking in, which is called loose association, or loosely connected thoughts.

“A manifestation of a thought disorder whereby the patient’s responses do not relate to the interviewer’s questions, or one paragraph, sentence, or phrase is not logically connected to those that occur before or after.”

Now, being at the forefront of these experiences, I have to beg to differ or at the very least, elaborate. There is one key variable that can be associated with this phenomena that further explains what looks like loosely associated trains of thought to an outsider, doctor, interviewer, coworker, friend or family member. When in reality, these trains of thought are superhighways so massive and intertwined so closely, that all sense to an outsider is lost; however, to us that experience this type of navigation, there is a wild, closely associated and detailed story that brews within what is written off as chaos too soon, on the outside.

Yet, no one knows because, quite frankly, due to stigma, misunderstanding, and lack of empathy or validation, we are too afraid to connect the dots for others. That is the key variable rarely looked into, from my experience.

We are too afraid to connect the dots, we are too pressed for time to stop to connect them for others, or we simply see that the bigger picture will take too long to form in space held within closed minds. We have manic minds at times and I assure you that the story unfolding in our minds is one we simply do not have the time to stop and explain.

I’ve been through this countless times now. It’s simply too grand, too inexplicable, too unorthodox and too strange for most to comprehend, and, in my personal experience, I was too busy deciphering the code for myself to be bothered by other’s bland and methodical approaches and interpretations.

Until now. Because I think it’s important. In fact, know it’s important. That’s why I’m writing my book. Many on the outside, even those closest to me, only know a sliver of the true story. Yes, of course, to them, these manic spells and psychosis’ looked wildly disconnected and disjointed, but to me, it was a cosmic love story unfolding before my very eyes; a story of quests and journeys that had me chasing after euphoria through reality and the dream.

You cannot judge someone and get the bigger picture by only reading the chapter you walked in on.

In writing these chapters out, in full disclosure and detail, I am hoping to show that, those of us who live with this condition and endure spiritual emergencies, there is enormous sense to be made out of these experiences. I will not rest until I painstakingly sketch out every last detail that I still, miraculously, have stored in my mind.

Again, just because I was not always in control of my thoughts and consequential behaviors, it does not mean that I do not remember what happened.

I am hoping to bring some humanity back to this condition, some understanding and clarity.

It is not an illness. It is a gift. A new ways of thinking.



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