It wasn’t that I was desperate. It wasn’t that at all.
It was because deep down I loved him as fiercely as a horseman risking his life through uncharted territory, primed and at the ready to deliver a hand-written love letter explaining the truth in the reality I saw in him.
Facing the mirror in the heat of the night, I hated myself, through and through. He brought out the very worst in me, but at the same time, the tables have turned by the hands of God and Time and now I sit here realizing for what it was worth, he was just trying to wake me up.
And I miss him. Tonight. Tonight, I want to play cops and robbers and tie him between my mind’s eye and show him a future without struggle, desperation, possession, pain or death.
I want to subject him to a life without worry. Don’t we all deserve this? To know our greatest potential is simply around the bend if we’d only believe?
Goddamn, the sacrifice I was willing to make, and did, for people to realize real lies, with real eyes. I almost gave up the one gift this world needs. Me.
Yes, I do think that highly of myself. To know the world needs you more than ever, isn’t arrogance. It’s truth and it was he who showed me this.
So, when I’m being abused mentally, emotionally, physically and tormented with every red flag in the book and still can turn around and look them in the eyes and forgive with a hearty “tu me mangues,” do not ask why. Do not assume I am weak. Do not assume I do this for just me alone.
I want freedom, yes, but I’d rather wait eons for those I love to experience it first and wait patiently for my turn.
Afterall, doesn’t everyone love a good bedtime story, even if you aren’t in their ending?
To this man, I extend my hand in grace and fully accept responsibility for loving you as much as I do and always will. No questions asked. No denial.
You may have torn me under, and almost six feet under but it forced me to see the darkness within to a degree no man has ever gone before. And for that I thank you, because if I didn’t get to know my dark side, how would I know how to dispell it until only love ran clear? Which is what we are, from root to tip.