If your love is conditional, please check yourself out of my home. If you can’t love me for where I am at currently, in my state of recovery, I can’t be bothered. If you come to me saying “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine,” from here on out, I have to walk away.
I’ve felt all my life I owe most people a better version of myself or owe them something in return for their generousity, grace or love. And ya know why? Because this has been the majority of what’s been shown to me from a good portion of others who claim to be living in the light, faithful, on my side, etc…
If someone’s love for me is contingent upon me changing my current state to anything other than who I am at any given moment, or contingent upon my ‘potential’ or a fantasy version, or dare I say, contingent upon what they can get from me, I’m just no longer going to entertain them. I can’t. I have principles to uphold and a life worth living, in the NOW, AS IS. WARTS AND ALL. With or without money, a home, a career, a car, a social life, a high status, a solid plan for the future, etc… With or without having my “act” together.
It’s about acceptance. And I’m not claiming to be perfect, because I too, played the game and poorly, might I add. But the worst thing I could have done was not take my own hand and looked in that mirror and accepted myself for all I could see. And that’s changing as I shift relationships, shed long-held and abusive beliefs about myself and others, and fully own everything I am, as is – a vibrant soul who just wants to live her life in peace and harmony without static from a thousand different voices telling me who I should and should not be on a daily basis.
If we threw stones at every dog that barked or entertained every single pseudo-version of what others think we should be to fit into their world or paradigm, (which in all truth says more about themselves than our own selves), we’d lose all sense of direction for our own lives and dreams, and we would be eternally chasing something unattainable and completely incongruent with the nature of this Universe and what it has in store for us.
We’d all miss the point, folks.
The time is coming when I will finally simmer down (as mom used to say) and zip my lips. The horizon is just over the bend.